


The Mating Rituals of Eyebrows and Mustaches

by Sexycanofsoup



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Hair soulmates?, I Don't Even Know, I've brought a monstrosity into the world, M/M, Oh god, What Have I Done, don't burn your eyes with this, turn back now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-19
Updated: 2014-11-19
Packaged: 2018-02-26 05:39:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2640095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sexycanofsoup/pseuds/Sexycanofsoup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If your otp is Erwin's eyebrows and Mike's mustache then I'm sorry that this is probably the only fanfic for it that you'll read and it's terrible. Erwin's had another tough day at the office and he's at his wit's end. He can't anymore. The call of the mustache is too strong. He needs to confess, and poor Mke will just have to suffer the brunt of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mating Rituals of Eyebrows and Mustaches

**Author's Note:**

> I am very very sorry

The Mating Rituals of Eyebrows and Mustaches

There was no sound in the room other than Erwin’s scribbling and Mike’s sniffing. Erwin knew that Mike was waiting for him to finish his report so that they could both leave for the night, but he couldn’t concentrate. Erwin had broken out into a sweat and he felt like things were crawling over his body. His whole body itched. He’d started the report over three times already, but he hadn’t told Mike that. Because then his best friend would ask what the problem was and he would look up at Erwin with those big puppy dog eyes and the problem staring him right in the face and he would crack. He knew he would. It didn’t matter that he would soon be promoted to be head of the Survey Corps. It didn’t matter that he was going to be one of the most powerful men in their world. He was ready to accept the burden of humanity on his shoulders but there was no way he’d be able to withstand the force of the problem housed on Mike’s face.

_No,_ he thought desperately, swiping a hand over his sweaty brow. _Don’t think about it. Don’t go there. If you do all will be lost. Don’t think about its fullness or bristly quality. Don’t think of the way it reflects the sunlight or catches food during meals. Don’t think about it wet with sweat or—_

“Damn it!”

Mike jumped as Erwin slammed the pen he’d been using to write down on the desk.

“Erwin, are you—“

“I can’t take it anymore!”

“Jesus, if writing reports is that bad maybe you should turn down the promotion.”

“It’s not the damn promotion!”

That was it. The dreaded reaction had already started, and Erwin knew that once that happened there was no stopping it. It was the burn housed in his eyebrows. It had begun.

Erwin let out a groan as his eyebrows tensed up. They were alert now, sensing their partner—their perfect match. He still remembered the first time it had happened. He and mike had nearly always been by each other’s sides. They’d gone through training together, they’d joined the Survey Corps together, hell they’d even gone to Niles wedding together. But there had been a brief time in their extended history when they’d been separated. Erwin had been sent to the interior to take care of a mission for Shadis. It hadn’t been all that important, it’s why they’d entrusted the task to a relative newbie. It was just to serve as a guard for the transport of some important documents. Erwin didn’t even remember the reason for the documents now. But he did remember the pang of parting with Mike. It had been the longest time they’d been separated and it was during that time that he’d come to realize how much space the man took up—not just physically, but in his heart. The world didn’t taste the same without Mike by his side. The colors were duller, people became boring, and nothing smelled, at all. He realized then that he’d make sure to treasure Mike more at that point. And so tried not to be impatient on the way back. He’d been so excited to see Mike again. He’d taken the last couple of kilometers back to the base at an outright sprint. But when he burst into their shared room and laid eyes on Mike’s face after two full weeks apart he’d stopped dead still.

The mustache. That was the first time he’d seen the mustache, and, consequently, that was the first time his eyebrows tense up and light with that fire he was experiencing now. It was a hunger, a magnetic need. It seemed that in that absence Mike had let himself grow sloppy in his shaving regimen, and that had spelled out Erwin’s doom. And with that first burst of fire in his eyebrows as well as the pit of his stomach he knew he’d never be free from it. He’d felt that feeling many times since that moment, and the feeling was always most intense when he least expected it. It was for that reason that Erwin tried not to look directly at the mustache, that nothing good could come out of such a thing. His treasured friendship, Mike’s regard of him, his pride as a man…everything would crumble if he gave in. He knew that. How could he not know that? And yet…and yet…

His mouth was dry because it knew something he was only just realizing.

None of it mattered. All his fears were for nothing because he was going to do it anyway. He was going to ruin everything. And, since it was happening anyway, Erwin let go. To lose an already lost battle has no shame, and so Erwin let the last of his restraint snap, looked directly at the beautiful mustache, and, with all his heart, and with every bit of his grit and feeling shouted, “Mike Zakarius, my eyebrows want to fuck your mustache!”

The sentence was bizarre, he knew. It was one he never would have uttered around anyone else, but Mike brought the crazy out in him, and maybe that was why he wasn’t afraid as he looked at his best friend’s face and found the interesting things happening there.

There wasn’t fear, as one might suspect, or revulsion, or confusion. Instead there was curiosity. Maybe it was because Erwin brought out the crazy in Mike too. Or maybe he’d always been crazy to start with.

Mike sniffed appreciatively. “I don’t blame them. It’s the best damn mustache in the army.”

Erwin felt his eyebrows swell. “I’m in love with you.”

“Not just my mustache?”

“I’ve been in love with you since the first day we met when you introduced yourself to me by yanking me forward and sniffing my hair.”

“You have very nice smelling hair.”

“Make love to me.”

“You’re just trying to get out of writing that report.”

“You’re in love with me too, aren’t you?”

“Fuck yes.”

And that’s when Mike tackled him. Erwin would be lying if he said he didn’t feel the crash of pain that came when he hit the ground. But he wouldn’t be lying if he said the ensuing pleasure made up for it. Erwin’s eyebrows, heart, and a certain piece of his anatomy all swelled, and Mike took care of all of them.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay readers, this horrible thing was born because I haven't written in forever, and so I gave myself fifteen minutes to birth SOMETHING anything really just to give you poor things something to read. I shouldn't have bothered. This fic belongs in the very pits of Satan's most terrible attic. If you need therapy after this please send me the bills. It's the least that I can do. If you want to blame someone, blame my sister for allowing this to happen.


End file.
